Cenotaph: A monument
erected in memory of a dead person whose remains lie elsewhere.
Summer 2003
Sam leaned up against the glass, eyes watching the landscape pass
by outside the window. He was conscious of the bag beneath his
seat that held knives, a gun, a small sickle, and more salt that
any restaurant could use in a year.
Dean had pressed them on him before he’d left, told him they were
for just in case. Sam hadn’t argued. Whatever made Dean
feel better, more comfortable with him leaving, was fine with him.
All his life, Sam has been a symbol – a representation of Mary for
both John and Dean. Her memorial when they’d long since been
forced to leave her grave behind. He always knew, too, that he was
the center of their dysfunctional little family. Dean and Dad
would protect him first, before they’d protect each other – or
themselves.
The fighting, the arguing, Sam wanting the hunts to stop,
it was never about him. It was always about family. Dean and Dad
never saw that.
Sam has taken care to hide it from them.
Sam grew up afraid. Terrified that one day his family would go out
hunting and simply never come back; terrified that he’d be left
behind. Alone. So he left first. He threw words in his father’s
face, carefully calculated – words to piss him off. Words he
couldn’t and wouldn’t take back.
He didn’t regret it. Well, he didn’t regret it much. He loathed
that he’d caused the destruction of their family, but now
maybe Dean and Dad would concentrate on each other instead of him.
Maybe they’d live.
Winter 2006
Thinking back on Jess, Sam understands Dad now, understands Dean.
Because Jess died and there was nothing left to save, nothing – no
one – to protect. No symbol, no Sam, to remember her by, just
blood and flame and a simple grave. And Sam realizes now that Dad
has never been obsessed with the dead. He’s been obsessed with the
living, with Dean and Sam and making sure they could fight, could
protect, so the last pieces of Mary would live.
And holding onto this anger, this obsession, is getting harder
every passing day. Jess is gone, but Dean is still here and he
thinks maybe Dean is his symbol now, his reminder to keep
living, keep fighting, while Mom and Jess sleep.